French Parenting: The Secret Behind Well-Behaved Kids in France
Discover the secret behind well-behaved kids in France. Know all about the techniques of French parenting and see if you will agree!
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1. The Two-Minute Pause2. Table Manners3. Patience Training4. La Fessée5. Dissenting OpinionsConclusionIt isn’t uncommon for non-French parents who visit France to remark about French parenting when they see how well-behaved French children are compared to their own. Observers are often intrigued at:
- how French kids seem to really enjoy eating ‘adult’ food
- why it is very rare to see them throw tantrums in the supermarket
- how they can go to bed without bickering and much fuss, etc
These observations have become so prevalent that the interest in French parenting techniques has steadily increased in recent years. It has spawned several books written mostly by expats living in France. The books identified the techniques employed by French parents on their kids.
Let’s take a look at some of these strategies below. See if you can use them in your own parenting style, too!
1. The Two-Minute Pause
In her book, “Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting”, Pamela Druckerman, an American journalist living in Paris, described babies she encountered who slept through the night as early as two months old. This was her observation, rather than a milestone reached by most babies in France.
While there are those who may find this observation doubtful, the habit Druckerman describes is sometimes referred to as the “two-minute pause.”
In this method, parents briefly observe a baby who stirs or makes noises at night to see whether the baby is awake or still in active sleep. The point is a brief pause for observation, adapted to the baby and situation, rather than a fixed waiting rule for every crying infant. Parents still respond when the baby needs feeding, reassurance or other care.
While this may seem a bit unorthodox and goes against the normal parenting instincts, newborn sleep cycles usually last about 50 minutes to one hour. During active sleep, babies may move, grunt or make noises that can give the impression they are awake. Briefly observing them can help parents distinguish this from a waking that needs attention.
Babies gradually develop longer stretches of night sleep, and young infants may still need feeds during the night. If crying persists, parents should check the baby’s needs and offer reassurance. A brief observation pause should be adapted to the baby’s age and needs, rather than used to delay needed care.
2. Table Manners
One of the most commonly admired habits of French children is that they seem to have no problem eating ‘adult’ food.
While a good number of non-French parents usually assume that kids prefer hotdogs, burgers, chicken nuggets, or fries over regular meal fare, French children on the other hand are introduced to an assortment of food at a very young age. To many French parents, there is no need for an entirely separate “kiddie” menu. Foods and textures still need to be suitable for the child’s age.
In one section of her book, Druckerman commented on how she realized how different her child was to French children while dining in a restaurant. She noted how well behaved the other children were on their high chairs enjoying their food, while her child was giving her all sorts of problems, being all picky and making so much fuss.
The writer also learned that family meal times were also strictly observed in French households. She surmised that early exposure to a variety of food and strict observance of meal times ingrain table discipline into French children. This results in good table manners being second nature to them.
3. Patience Training
This facet of French parenting is somehow connected to the two previous topics that were already mentioned. One commonly admired behavior of French kids is that one rarely sees any of them throwing tantrums in public.
Apart from instilling discipline into their children, French parents also teach their kids the virtue of patience. Kids will often try to find ways to get their parents to give in to their demands. One of the surefire ways to get parents to say “yes” would be to wear them down with persistent nagging and whining.
A common behavioral principle is that rewarding unwanted behavior can encourage children to repeat it. Parents can instead reinforce the behavior they want to see.
When French parents tell their kids “no” or “wait,” they both believe and mean it. Unlike other parenting styles that give way to negotiating with your children, the French will not even entertain the idea most of the time. This trains French kids to have patience at a young age.
It is believed that this type of patience training will sometimes help kids become more composed as they grow older.
4. La Fessée
French parents are often viewed, especially by other parents from neighboring countries, as being too rigid and authoritative with their children. This may be true to a certain extent as some French parents have traditionally preferred la fessée, or spanking (banned by French law since 2019, along with all corporal punishment of children), over the trendier parenting styles that encourage “soft behavioral moulding.” This of course is just some fancy way of saying that parents should cut their kids some more slack.
French parents however, will teach their children the meaning of authority as early as possible and expect them to abide by the rules set by them.
In accounts of this traditional approach, some parents did not employ la fessée right off the bat. A stern ‘arrête!’, or ‘stop!’, served as a warning for misbehaving children, followed by “ça suffit!” or ‘that’s enough!’ for good measure. Spanking is prohibited by the 2019 law mentioned above.
In this traditional approach, the spanking part was considered necessary during the early part of the kid’s training. Supporters of that traditional approach believed that, as kids learned these stages, “ça suffit!” would often be enough to get them to behave.
5. Dissenting Opinions
As can be expected, there will be those who will not totally agree with the French style of parenting. One British lifestyle writer opined that French parents do not regard their children as their equals, but are just small human beings all set to be formatted and molded by the state education system.
This same writer linked the behavior exhibited by French kids to long days in local crèches, or childcare nurseries, where children learn to be independent and sociable. This is a critical interpretation of childcare habits, rather than a schedule or outcome shared by every French child.
Some of writer Druckerman’s fellow American parents for their part accuse her of being just too enamored by the French culture that her views on parenting are somehow tilted in their favor. Druckerman’s book “Bringing Up Bébé…” combines her observations on how children are being raised in France with practical ideas drawn from those observations.
Despite this however, some non-French parents obviously feel slighted by Druckerman’s observations and musings as an American parent expat.
Also note her observations are mostly made from a Parisian perspective and you will find some (or a lot of) differences between French people depending on their social background, education, and so on…
It will of course be naïve to think that the French style of parenting will apply in any setting or location. Our cultures, sense of community, religion, and social norms have always been the most influential variables in the varying styles of parenting. There is one article comparing French and American parenting, you can check it out here.
Conclusion
What works for French parents, will not necessarily work for others and vice versa. Parents however, are bound by a moral commitment to play their roles in the best way possible. Examining what works for other cultures, like the French for instance, is one way for parents to become the best that they can be for their kids.
Do you think you could use French parenting methods with your own children?
For more related content, see the following:
10 Unusual French Habits You Should Know About Before Visiting France
The Complete Guide to Teach Kids French at Home
10 Things to Do With Your Kids in Paris
